Living in abuse is an incredibly isolating and hopeless experience.

 

There are many complex emotions floating beneath the surface. The world may not see what’s happening to you behind closed doors. It may not see the pain behind your smile, or the truth beyond your silence. Often you don’t want to acknowledge those things yourself, but despite your best efforts to make it better, the abuse continues.  

 

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, regardless of one’s level of education, or socioeconomic status. Abusers, and those they victimize come from all walks of life. And abuse can take many forms and wear many masks. It is an issue that affects and matters to all of us.  

 

I have been asked to share my story, with the hope that it can make a difference. As a survivor, sharing my experience is only one small part of the collective effort to create change. Building a safer and more supportive community benefits everyone. And I hope that in sharing my story, you will appreciate the value in sustaining this vital work.  

 

Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, with so many barriers along the way. And it is far from straightforward or simple, despite what many people believe. It is a painful and complex process, as you try to reconcile how the one person you loved and trusted most could also cause you profound harm.  

 

I first reached out to CAWES in 2017 as I grappled with the realization that what I was experiencing was abuse. I had endured years of rages that were more than anger issues. Years of the destruction of property that was more than unregulated emotion or frustration. Years of sexual exploitation and coercion that was far more than misinterpretation of consent. Years of manufactured conflict and unresolved arguments that were much deeper than a communication issue. I experienced countless days and nights of sleep deprivation, sexual assault, psychological warfare, dehumanization, intense fear, and a profound lack of safety. I experienced financial abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, threats, and intimidation.  

 

Abuse is so often mislabeled, not only by society, but by those of us

who have found ourselves in the midst of it. But what

underpins all of these destructive behaviours is an insatiable need

to have total power and control over one’s partner.

It’s a void within the abuser that can never be filled.  

 

Unfortunately, when I first contacted CAWES, I was still deeply entrenched in my confusion and fear. Leaving was an uncertainty, and the stakes felt incredibly high. In the years that followed, the abuse continued, but I still held onto the hope that he could change. I continued to see the potential in him, in spite of how much he was hurting me. But my sense of self was eroding more and more with each passing day. I was withdrawn, isolated, and under tremendous pressure at all times. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. While he carried on with life as usual, I was disintegrating. 

 

In 2022 I contacted CAWES again. My life had spiraled into an incredibly dark place of chaos, fear, and hopelessness. Another incident of violence prompted me to reach out for the help I desperately needed. At a time when I felt lost and alone, they were there to walk this journey with me. I found the connection and support I needed as I faced painful and frightening decisions. 

 

That sense of connection and safety was pivotal in helping me navigate my path forward. I was not judged or shamed, and I was accepted for where I was at. I learned the power of trust, when placed in the right hands. And the support I received helped me to rediscover my voice and begin to trust in myself once again. I came to the realization that you could love someone and still have to walk away. It was a matter of pure survival. I had poured every ounce of effort and love into a person who was fundamentally destructive and unsafe. And the risk that he could end my life or my children’s lives was very real. One day he might go too far, but then it would be too late. 

 

That’s not an easy reality to face. But the heavy cost and toll the abuse was having on my life had become too great, and the damage was already profound.  

 

CAWES has supported me through grueling experiences in court, and with law enforcement. They accompanied me at the hospital when I was sexually assaulted and provided emotional support during a time of intense trauma. They provided shelter for me and my children when the risk to our safety was high. They provided therapy that was trauma informed and based in an understanding of the dynamics of abuse. They connected me with available resources in my community, and access to financial support when possible. And they provided gifts for my children and even myself at Christmas while we stayed in the shelter.  

 

There are no words that can convey the importance of how significantly

the services they have provided have changed my life for the better.

They have been available through every step of my journey in escaping abuse.

Having somewhere to turn during the worst moments of my life

has been a literal lifeline, not only for myself, but for others.

Their compassion, understanding, and commitment in advocating

against domestic abuse has been unwavering.  

 

Slowly I have begun to regain strength and work towards healing. But it is a gradual process of rebuilding, with setbacks and challenges along the way. And I have experienced deeply imbedded systemic failures that I and other survivors continue to face. The fight to protect my children and myself is not over. The power and control that is such a driving force behind abuse is not easily relinquished. And I have struggled with post separation abuse tactics and ongoing efforts on the part of my abuser to thoroughly destroy me.  

 

Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t necessarily bring the freedom you might expect. And it doesn’t erase the past. And while my goal is to live a life of peace and work on recovering from extensive trauma, my abuser’s goal is to dominate and control the narrative. He refuses to accept true accountability for the pain and violence he has caused. 

 

With every step forward, I know that CAWES will continue to be there as a source of vital support and connection. And I am forever grateful for the work that they do in our community. The value they provide is immeasurable not only to those directly impacted by violence, but to everyone. More than ever, we need safe spaces to turn to in times of great need. 

 

Cheralee 

CAWES Client, Domestic Violence Survivor