Question: After I leave – How Will I Feel?

Separation is not easy. It will take several months to work through the steps, and a couple of years to become freshly established.

Knowing what to do and what to expect does not stop you from having feelings. You will probably feel all your emotions more strongly than ever. You may feel betrayal, grief, anger, joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time. . . You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions you have, which are sometimes overwhelming, contradictory, and unexpected. You are not crazy.  This is a normal process. Remember that your emotions are just a part of you, a changing part, and they are not "you, the whole person."

Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one in time.

Grief is a large part of the process of letting go  of a relationship. When you feel grief, let yourself cry. You may feel like you will never stop. You are facing a death, the death of your relationship. You will stop crying when the mourning is over. You may not understand why you are sad, especially if you were badly abused. There were probably some good things that you will miss. This is the reality. Remember you did have to pay a price for more good things - a very high price.

You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship. This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy to get yourself on your feet again. Don't be surprised, if a month or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is a normal and a part of the process of change or separation. You will have to work through all the stages at some time. The timing may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished in three years if you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.

You may feel more anger after separation than you have ever felt before. You may suddenly feel all the anger that is stockpiled and denied during your relationship along with the built up frustration at not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of your position. It is safe to feel angry now. Accept that your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation. Use it to your advantage. The goal of letting yourself feel anger is to express it constructively so that you become free of it. Do not use it for revenge. Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the long run. Fantasize about revenge instead.

GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH WILL HELP YOU COPE

You may feel that admitting 'failure' in your relationship confirms your inadequacy. This is not true. You have probably done all you could to make it work and it is not your fault that your efforts failed. Relationships take two people working together to make it a success. Also, remember that your decision to leave was a painful and difficult one. Recognize your success in making that decision. Give yourself credit!!!!

You may have identified yourself with your relationship. Your role as wife or mother may be the way you see yourself, and how you are known in the community. When you leave the relationship you will experience a real sense of loss of your self-identity. The process of moving from a role, a job of wife and mother, and private status of the victim, to a single, competent person is painful and not always as fast as you might want it to be. It involves getting to know yourself in a new way. Now you can become your own boss and your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful feeling as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have had the freedom to experience this responsibility. It sometimes takes many trials to discover who you are and what you want in life. This is normal. It is O.K. to learn from your mistakes and learn from what you do well.

You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting your partner's mood and picking up the signals from him, so you  could anticipate and react. When you leave, the absence  of your partner may feel frightening. You may feel you have lost control. Your feelings of safety are gone when you lose your signals.

The feelings of loss of control are normal in transition. You are moving  the centre of control from your partner to yourself. It can be as frightening as freeing and it just takes time.

Changed memory can create a feeling of disorientation, disbelief in yourself, and betrayal from your partner. You are not crazy if you see your past, yourself and your partner differently. You may remember only the good times with your partner or only the bad times. It's normal to look at yourself, your partner, and the world in a new way. Your situation is different now and so you will have a different  perspective.

Your friends may change over time. Your situation may now be different from theirs. Your interests and concerns may become different. They may feel threatened by your new position.  The shakier their marriages are, the quicker they will leave you. They may take sides with your partner. It may hurt you a great deal if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker than you want to believe. It may take you a while to trust, or to have energy for anyone else. This is normal and self-protective. You may want to isolate yourself, but friendships are very important at this time. Women friends are especially important at this time. Don't sit around waiting to be asked out - reach out - even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself, in the long run it is not.

New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship. It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment and communication to be in a relationship. A second relationship has different problems from a first. Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice of living dependently again. This way when you have a choice, you will not be as likely to make the same mistakes. You will be better able to stand up for your rights.

It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable. Know that feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can do to help yourself through the down times.

Many women find that the first anniversary of their leaving is particularly painful. It is important for you to be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that time with close friends. You may also get in touch with the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement and support.

1. Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one.

2. Take time out for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself, i.e. take a hot bath, go for a walk, curl up in bed with a book. You have a right to pamper yourself.

3. Physical Health: eat small nutritious meals regularly, rest when you can, even if you cannot sleep, and exercise to release tension. Treat yourself to a massage.

4. To regain a feeling of control in your new environment, you can develop a daily routine, you can set and accomplish small goals each day, you can control where you go and who you are with so that you are safe.

5. Make new friends, women friends, who are in the same situation, and go out with them. Keep in touch with women you met in the shelter. You can also find women in the same situation by joining a local single parents group, the YWCA, etc. Follow your instincts about whom you want to be friends with. Try not to let your fear, pain, or embarrassment stop you from reaching out. Friends will help you move through the pain.

6. Find out about and use community resources for support. Use the Shelter staff for ongoing support or the Women’s Outreach for a support group; recreation centres; educational resources; and free community services. If you don't know what these services are ask a staff person at the shelter or your volunteer from the Women’s Outreach.

7. Holidays and special occasions (i.e. Christmas and anniversaries) can be especially hard times. It is important to establish new customs for yourself and your children. You can spend these times with close friends who are experiencing the same feelings and difficulties. Do something different. For example, organize a pot luck with friends or neighbours, spend the holiday out of town.

HUMOUR AND PLAY WILL HELP YOU COPE BETTER. 

Your children's behaviour may be different from usual. Remember - their lives have changed too. It is normal for them to be afraid, upset or angry. Even if they become extra quiet or try to please you all the time, they still need that little bit of extra attention and explanation about what is going on.

• Assure them that you love them. Give them lots of hugs and cuddles. It is important for them to have physical contact, and in hugging them you will also be receiving hugs.

• Tell them as much as you can without name-calling. It is better that they know and feel part of the decisions than if you say nothing or lie. It is important for them to trust you.

• Listen to their feelings and let them know it is okay to have them. They may be angry with you for taking them away from their friends and home. If they tell you this, it means that they feel safe enough with you to share their feelings. If you show them that you understand their feelings and share some of theirs, you will help them.

• They may have confused feelings about you and their father. You can let them know that they can still love their father and he is still their father, even if you decide not live with him again. They do not have to choose one parent. They can love and hate both parents at the same time.

• They may test you by 'misbehaving.' Do not be afraid to tell them limits of behaviour in a firm, loving manner. They may be more insecure and confused, and test for your control even more than usual. They need to know that you are there to take care of them.
  • Tell them clearly what they can and cannot do.
  • Tell them what will happen if they misbehave. Make the discipline fit the behaviour, and . . . be prepared to carry it out as soon as possible.
  • Do Not Hit Your Children. They have come from a violent situation and they need to feel safe also. Children who grow up with violence often become violent adults.
  • You have needs too. You need your friends, and you need time alone. If your children try to make you stay in, tell them your needs and that you are sorry if it makes them angry or sad. Go ahead with your plans. If you are giving them quality time, you do not need to feel guilty about taking time for you.

• It is important that you take a little time to have fun with your children. You can learn new, inexpensive ways to have fun with them. For example: going to parks, to a museum or just going for walks. You don't have to have money to spend time with your children.

• Children need to feel loved, accepted and safe in their family. This means living in a home where there is no violence is better for them than living in a home where they never know when violence will erupt.

• Accept that you are not perfect. Don't feel guilty about it. Keep doing your best and be open to changing what doesn't work and learning new ways.

• Remember, your children need to depend on you. Don't depend on them to act as your best friend or partner. LET THEM BE DEPENDENT!!!!!

• Encourage them to have friends in the community as soon as you settle. Friendships can help them regain security.

• If you feel that you need help dealing with your children, explore parenting and children’s support services in your community, i.e. single parent associations; parenting courses; Big Brothers/Sisters, etc. Also, talk to other women. They have probably felt the same as you at times, and could share ideas.

YOU HAVE MADE POSITIVE CHOICES FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.
REMEMBER TO CREDIT YOURSELF FOR YOUR COURAGE AND STRENGTH.