Did You Know - Myths About Domestic Violence

Myths within a community serve to reinforce widely accepted beliefs, which protect the perpetrator and/or blame the victim of domestic violence. The impact of these myths on the victim will affect how they cope with the abuse, the support they receive from family and friends and the quality of service delivery they receive.

Fact: Because of the private nature of domestic violence and the shame and embarrassment that inhibits many victims from talking about the issue, it is impossible to determine exactly how many women are subject to violence. One in eight are abused by their partners is the current statistic used based on data from Statistics Canada.

Fact: Stress does not cause aggressive behavior. Many people are able to cope with stress in healthy ways. People who have learned to use aggression as a way of coping and/or unaware of alternative coping strategies will be more likely to act aggressively when under stress. The good news is that they can learn healthy, non-violent coping techniques.

Fact: Although abuse of alcohol or drugs is often present in incidents of spouse abuse, it is not the alcohol or drug that causes the violence. However, people will often use this to excuse or rationalize their behavior by saying, “I wasn’t myself”. It only happened because I was drunk. Blaming alcohol or drugs takes the responsibility away from the abusive person and can prevent that person from changing.

Fact: It is very common for women in abusive relationships to leave their partners in a crisis and then return after the dust has settled. This makes sense if you understand the cycle of violence and the many reasons why women return (children, family, money, fear, hope for the relationship, lack of affordable housing). Battered women may “come and go” several times before their partner seeks help or they decide to leave the relationship permanently. Great strength is required to make sure a huge change and each time an abused woman goes to a shelter, she has an opportunity to assess her situation in a safe place and learn more about making healthy choices.

Fact: The most dangerous time is after separation. 75% of all homicides occur after separation. Also, it is a time when the partner is losing control and this may cause an escalation of abuse in an attempt to regain control. If there are children involved, there may be contact with the abusive partner when he comes to visit the children. This opens the door for potential conflict and violence.

Fact: Couples counseling can be very dangerous for couples experiencing domestic violence. Some counselors refuse to see domestic violence couples together because of concerns for safety. Some counselors will only see couples together if the abusive partner is in treatment to deal with the battering behavior. Other counselors see domestic violence couples together because they think it is better for them to be monitored than not seen at all. In any event, it is imperative that counselors who are involved with domestic violence couples have a good understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Otherwise, counseling can become part of the problem rather than a solution to it.

Fact: Such myths ignore and deny the realities of same-sex relationships. Men can be and are victims of domestic violence. Women can be and are batterers. Domestic violence is fundamentally a power issue. Even when two people are of the same gender, power differences exist and abuse can occur.

Fact: Same sex couples are as intertwined and involved in each other’s lives as are heterosexual couples. The invisibility and relatively limited supports available to victims of same sex domestic violence may compound barriers to leaving. Many gay and lesbian persons lack support from their families and communities, and may not be able to rely on them for help. Victims may also be threatened by their batterers with “outing” if they attempt to leave an abusive relationship, or convinced that potential helpers will be homophobic and unhelpful.

Fact: Canadian, British and U.S. studies indicate that women are at far greater risk of being assaulted by men they know. 

Fact: No one deserves to be hit.  Whether or not there was provocation, violence is always wrong.  It never solves problems, although it often silences the victim.

Fact: Men are capable of controlling themselves.  That’s why forcing sex on a partner is illegal even if a woman has consented to petting or necking, she still has the right to control her own body.  When a woman says NO or NO MORE, then the man is required by law to stop.

Fact: Once violence begins in a relationship, it usually gets worse without some kind of intervention.  Waiting and hoping he’ll change is not a good strategy.  Partners in an abusive relationship need help to break out the pattern.

[Violence Information and Education Centre and dating violence document]